Is it worth it?

Every piece I write -whether here or on any of my notebooks- becomes eternal, the writing is eternal but not what was felt or lived when writing it.
Why?
Because times change, people change, circumstances change, perceptions change... , I change.
However, the recent blog posts about "her" and "love" prove that the state I was in when writing them, well, can be eternal.

I am surprised.

I am surprised because what I wrote back then was so pure, it emanated from the deepest depths of my being and was mainly ignited by another being's presence -let's name her "8"- and although it's been a while now that 8 is far from me, but what I have for her (I did not write "feel for her" because feelings are weak when it comes to describing this connection I have with 8) is beyond distance & time.

I have found her, I have found her soul and I connected with her on every possible level.
It is truly a blessing to have met her, although being with her nears impossibility
with every passing day.
The way this experience is shaping me is unique:
It made me love unconditionally again.

I would do anything for 8, although she asks for nothing.
I am in a place where nothing matters except living the present moment and be happy, as much as I can, although this proves to be a hard task when 8 is the reason I am happy, genuinely happy.

Another "Mexican*" melodramatic sitcom?
Maybe.
Another dead end on the road of love?
Maybe.
Another heart break?
Maybe.
Another emotional suicide by expectations?
Maybe.
Another bad timing?
Maybe.
Another failure?
No. You know why? Because knowing 8 has enriched me in so many ways and if the price I have to pay for my sins is not be with her, so be it, at least I've known her.

-------

Love never comes with a rulebook,.
& I love with all my being, all of me.
If I tell you what I'd do for you, you'll know how mad I am.
I know I cannot expect anything from you now.
I pray that you let the Light get through your cracked heart's shell, because you cannot fight Darkness with more Darkness.
Now you ask me: is it worth it? All of this?
Yes, you cannot imagine...

For if I live, it's for meeting people like 8...
And if I love, it's like I love 8.

Now...
Drink water

*"Mexican" sitcoms that are 200-episodes long have been part of the contemporary Lebanese popular culture and they can be from Mexico, South America, Turkey, Syria, etc... They are know for the melodramatic story that never ends and that keeps the main characters -who are usually lovers- in a state of continuous sentimental turmoil that rarely ends happily.

This Is Hell

Following the recent mass murders occurring in Occupied Palestine by Israel, I allowed myself to create a visual piece by a photo originally taken by Hosam Salem.

This photo has touched my very soul and in it I see the beginning of the end of Humanity.
What is happening is a beginning of several scenarios for the end.

This Is Hell
Original Photo Credit: © Hosam Salem
Photo Edit + Concept: © Samah El Hakim

...
But hope still lives on, with love all things are possible.

Revelations

A beating heart engulfed by a complex structure floats in the ocean with a part of a plastic bottle suffocating it.
It needed to release some if its confined secrets and burdens in order to get rid of that alien body suffocating it.

"I can be an egocentric fool at the worst times and lose a lot for that."

...

"I'm tired of trying to be a warrior of Light in this darkness that is getting larger every day."
It felt good to release some of that pressure...

Then came the long sentence:
"Nothing seems fair in this ephemeral life and I believe that no matter how hard we try we will never be perfect or get near being or living perfect with all that shit that surrounds us and that grows more eccentric and varied each day leaving us in a state of inner and outer chaos and numbing our brains with sounds of fake promises and surreal dreams as our life passes and time consumes us with tender violence melting our stressed and suffering souls slowly."
That felt so good...

Then came the longer sentence:
"The irony of doing your best while wanting the best thinking you've finally got on track as you suddenly get rammed off track by the gentle loving smile that says no as it goes into another direction and as time passes a day a week a month and you're just laying there next to the track still trying to figure out what happened the thought that what goes around comes around passes and you feel the weight of your past experiences that rammed some persons' lives off their respective tracks sometime in the past crushing you to near suffocation before letting you go and leaving only the thought of that gentle face that is no more that might never be again and be left there asking what if while massive movement takes place in the corners of memories that will mutate with the years' passing by leaving only the essence of joy from stolen moments of the happy orchards that are sprinkled left and right on the long road of life and as you stand up again you feel older wiser more serene although a part of you got broken just like many parts in the past but you know that this is only another one of those essential parts of life that make your very existence unique."

The heart shrank a bit loosening up the alien body suffocating it.
As it wriggled to set itself free, the heart released a final sentence that would set it free to roam the ocean without suffocating:
"I know now that your presence breathed a new life in me and I feel hollow without it just like a nutshell without its nutte."

The plastic part slides away from the heart that has a whole ocean to roam in even with its missing parts.
There was surrender.
There was pain.
There was hope.
Then, silence.

A Thought About Pain

No matter how short our lives can be, pain is always there.

It's not a negative-vibe-post I am trying to conceive here, it's a projection of what's inside my head right now: an infuriating pain of knowing that I am most of the time helpless facing all the pain I see around, whether it inflicts me or not.

There's the physical pain, the moral pain, the psychological pain, the plain pain, the sexy pain, the made-up pain, etc...

You think the ultimate pain is hitting your left thumb with a hammer only to discover that breaking it is much more painful.

You think breaking-up with "the one" is painful only to find that losing a loved one in a silly accident a million times harder.

Then you think that witnessing the death of millions of people for food shortage is painful and makes you feel helpless, until you know that thousands of tons of food are being destroyed in order to maintain a proper market price...

-------

It's been a while now I've been observing people around me:
we've become a self-centered-ego-maniac-driven humanity.

What Hesperides said might be true:
"No pains, no gains.
If little labor, little are our gains:
Man's fortunes are according to his pains."

However, my dear Hesperides, if you were living in our world today, I can only imagine what you might have said about gain & pain...

What future awaits us, I do not know, what I know is that the worst pain is inflicted by humans -to any other living creature- when they lose their humanity, no matter how insignificant they think the act/word/thought/idea is.

Drink water.

"Rage" |  © Samah El Hakim 2011