Is it worth it?

Every piece I write -whether here or on any of my notebooks- becomes eternal, the writing is eternal but not what was felt or lived when writing it.
Why?
Because times change, people change, circumstances change, perceptions change... , I change.
However, the recent blog posts about "her" and "love" prove that the state I was in when writing them, well, can be eternal.

I am surprised.

I am surprised because what I wrote back then was so pure, it emanated from the deepest depths of my being and was mainly ignited by another being's presence -let's name her "8"- and although it's been a while now that 8 is far from me, but what I have for her (I did not write "feel for her" because feelings are weak when it comes to describing this connection I have with 8) is beyond distance & time.

I have found her, I have found her soul and I connected with her on every possible level.
It is truly a blessing to have met her, although being with her nears impossibility
with every passing day.
The way this experience is shaping me is unique:
It made me love unconditionally again.

I would do anything for 8, although she asks for nothing.
I am in a place where nothing matters except living the present moment and be happy, as much as I can, although this proves to be a hard task when 8 is the reason I am happy, genuinely happy.

Another "Mexican*" melodramatic sitcom?
Maybe.
Another dead end on the road of love?
Maybe.
Another heart break?
Maybe.
Another emotional suicide by expectations?
Maybe.
Another bad timing?
Maybe.
Another failure?
No. You know why? Because knowing 8 has enriched me in so many ways and if the price I have to pay for my sins is not be with her, so be it, at least I've known her.

-------

Love never comes with a rulebook,.
& I love with all my being, all of me.
If I tell you what I'd do for you, you'll know how mad I am.
I know I cannot expect anything from you now.
I pray that you let the Light get through your cracked heart's shell, because you cannot fight Darkness with more Darkness.
Now you ask me: is it worth it? All of this?
Yes, you cannot imagine...

For if I live, it's for meeting people like 8...
And if I love, it's like I love 8.

Now...
Drink water

*"Mexican" sitcoms that are 200-episodes long have been part of the contemporary Lebanese popular culture and they can be from Mexico, South America, Turkey, Syria, etc... They are know for the melodramatic story that never ends and that keeps the main characters -who are usually lovers- in a state of continuous sentimental turmoil that rarely ends happily.

Amor Vincit Omnia

... a connection with a soul ignites a sleeping spark under the glowing dark ashes left by a totally battered and consumed phoenix.

The spark grows slowly and a new phoenix takes form.

Grows slowly...

The fires nourishing it are of different colours, different layers. They are as rich as fine aged wine, as magical as never-seen-before runes, as ethereal as the connection that ignited it all.

There are infinite memories that vanish to give way to new ones, there is stillness, there is longing, there are wonders yet to be discovered as the fires grow wilder.

The phoenix has never reached this glow, no.

It is getting even more ablaze, and though it's totally new, though it feels pain at times, though the cold rains shower it often, the blaze still grows and it's just emancipating.

Time stands still.

Inside of the phoenix, there's just them: Her and him.

They're afraid, they're happy... they're not grasping it...

A sudden gust of wind makes him turn and look the other way.
There's sorrow there, there's darkness, there's everything that is not Her.
He shudders, sheds a tear, then smiles for he knows...

Then, he looks around... he can't find her... She's lost somewhere, but he knows it won't be long before they are united again; they were one long before they ever met...

The blaze of the phoenix gets wilder outside and as it happens, she reappears inside running towards him. She looks like she is miles away, but still he feels her in every way.

What feels like eternity finally passes.

They are facing each other, the phoenix is the universe now.

He smiles, she smiles... and then he touches her in a way like she was never touched before.
And he touches her slowly and she feels whole.
And he touches her and he touches her soul...

-------
Like the phoenix, I will consume myself over and over again in the name of the same abstract concept, ruler of everything and everyone in this universe: love.

I have risen from my own ashes several times now, this time it feels like the blaze keeps on getting stronger and, unlike other times, it's not temporary and what's fuelling it seems infinite because Amor Vincit Omnia.

Damn it's hot in here...
Drink water.

خواطر مرئية: إنت وأنا نحنا

إنت وأنا نحنا
You & me us.

The End

Just so you know:
The end of something can be the start of something new.

Think about it:
The End of a fruit rotting away on a garden's soil can -if watered- give a new plant that would eventually bear new fruits.

Now, think about an End that has a Beginning waiting around the corner, one that can't wait to be a Beginning, what do you call that?
That's a unique chance I say.

So, is it really The End?

-------

I believe that there are several "soul mates" out there for every one of us, they're a bit like Willy Wonka's golden tickets, everybody wants to find one but rare are the ones who find any and rarer are those who really earn them.

I found one, but it was stuck to the chocolate, so I left it in the Sun which will melt away the chocolate and let me earn my golden ticket.

Too much soul talk, now that's another kind of soul, one that is true when you're around.

Drink water.
It's summer.

Carpe Diem

There is no higher goal in this ephemeral life than living your humanity.
Living it to the fullest extent, in the smallest details, throughout all your days.

There's no excuse for being inhuman in any way.

What's being human anyway you might ask... well it all starts with any of us having enough heart in us to be compassionate towards others.

We cannot help everyone all the time, we might not cure cancer, we surely will not stop human trafficking, nor will we be able to stop the production of arms or slow down the toxic technological advancement...

But we can smile for that stranger even though he/she is shit incarnated, we can help that woman carry her grocery bags even if we're in a hurry, we surely can pull over and check why that old man looks lost, we can be nice without expecting anything in return, we can love whoever we want and make them know that, we can think about our own comfort just a bit less, we can do lots of little things that will help us get closer to being human.

I am currently a mix of unfolding dreams, sweet chaos, uncertain future and content soul.

I have no idea what tomorrow holds for me, but today I know for sure that I'm gonna "Carpe Diem" in the most human way and though there's a big chance I'm gonna lose again, I am happy to have met you, you who I have not met yet.

You're lost aren't you?

Good.

My angel

With me she became mother, in her womb I grew for 9 months and I'm still growing ever since with her support, love, encouragement, blessing and understanding for 29 years now.

Since my early childhood I remember her smiling face and her comforting presence. Never did she lessen of her tenderness, love, care and protection throughout the years even with us being 3 brats and me being the eldest.

She learned to be a real "Boys-Mother" (إمّ الصبيان) the hard way with every passing day and this began when she married my father who helped her become more confident of herself, more focused and just a tiny bit tougher than the "city-girl" she once was.

Her sensitive soul is reflected in the smallest chores she does, not to mention her artistry with words making her a unique poet and her innate talent of making food literally "happen" out of pretty much nothing and in just minutes when she already had a long day at work!

I remember the times of war which were -strangely- happy times to me and my brother Mirab. They were so because of mum and dad's continuous daily survival to keep us out of any material/emotional insufficiency thus preserving a pure aspect to our troubled childhood.
I remember summer time when we used to go out to play in the neighboring "forest" starting 7 am and her voice calling us to come to lunch then her voice in another tone calling us to come home at 8pm "...OR ELSE!"
I remember her eagerness to buy us new clothes for traditional holidays and occasions, clothes that were, for the biggest part of my childhood, too bright and happy to me or my brothers' liking.

I think about her sacrifices as a young educated & willing woman who put her dreams on hold for a while to make sure her kids were growing into the men she wants them to be before she resumes where she stopped, goes to a graduate school for 5 years, learns how to use a mac computer and an advanced layout program, gets her doctorate heavy with literature and Art and gets it published then starts teaching at two universities. All this knowing that she takes good care of her household, her family and her friends with joy and affection.

I like it when my brothers and I tease her just to see how she will spontaneously react.

Her comforting words and care are always soothing even when I don't want to admit my weakness and need for her support.
I feel her presence through her continuous prayers for me whenever I leave home where I try and do my best to make her among others proud of me.

I wish you good health and joy, you're my angel on this earth mother and I love you.

Mother Earth

Last Saturday I planted a tree.
A pine tree it was, around 12 years old.
As I was preparing the piece where it would be planted,
I felt a strong connection with Mother Earth.

This small act of 20 minutes while thinking about how this tree would grow in its new place and finally "breathe", when it's been imprisoned for 12 years in a small flowerpot, gave me so much satisfaction.

Once finished, images of destruction came to my mind.

-------

Nature is a beast sometimes, it's true,
but Man is even more savage:

How easy it is to cut down an 80-year-old tree
"because its falling leaves are littering our backyard".

How simple it is to raid a forest using a bulldozer
"to clear the view".

How fast we can pollute a nearby river
"to keep our house/factory clean".

How can we ever regain what we destroyed?
We can't...

All the beautiful mountains that we transformed into ugly buildings.
All the water that we polluted.
All the forests "evaporated".
All the extinct species.
Then...
All of us.


This is far from being an alarm, it's more of a cry
during my "semi-mourning" for our dear Mother Earth.

We are slowly dying with Her.
For any possible resurrection, believing is not enough.
Start acting.