Ellipsis

The epitome of Love is loving although you are not loved in return.

You try to see things from the other perspective, you grasp it, you understand it, you respect it, but them again your perspective reigns:

it's not every day that you find what we found together that's why it is worth to build upon it and break all past perspectives, it's worth the plunge.

Maybe I am right and this is the path to follow but no matter what I do, an essential part I learned in loving you –learnt the hard way– is letting you be.

The last time I saw you was a rather disturbing experience that created a series of infinite questions that still resonate in my soul:

is she still the same?

will we ever be together?

why did it all happen anyway?

is she in love with someone else?

should I just let her be, just like that?

what if I never find someone who completed me like she did?

was it all an illusion?

have I just fucked up another time?

did I scare her away?

are these "messages" to me or someone else?

will she find comfort elsewhere?

...

You shove all this to the back of the farthest spot in your head.

You "move on" by trying to forget, or at least by making the time pass.

You meet people, you "experiment", you feel bad, you feel sad, you feel blessed, you can't stop thinking about the farthest spot at the back of your head, you surrender to her face, one that lit when she was with you, one that brightens your blackest days.

You live, to a certain extent.

...

Then, one day, you see that her hand holds another's.

It may be your hand, eternalized in a furtive shot taken in the past.

But you are somehow sure it is not.

Are you?

You're lost.
A box that you wanted buried in your deepest depths opens:

You thought you would be OK with her finding peace and comfort anywhere, with anyone, even if that meant not with you.

But you are so far from being OK and the thought of it just rips you from the inside.

...

I am an ellipsis of what could have been,

I am an ellipsis of Love I hold for you,

I am an ellipsis of dreams with you,

I ...

Is it worth it?

Every piece I write -whether here or on any of my notebooks- becomes eternal, the writing is eternal but not what was felt or lived when writing it.
Why?
Because times change, people change, circumstances change, perceptions change... , I change.
However, the recent blog posts about "her" and "love" prove that the state I was in when writing them, well, can be eternal.

I am surprised.

I am surprised because what I wrote back then was so pure, it emanated from the deepest depths of my being and was mainly ignited by another being's presence -let's name her "8"- and although it's been a while now that 8 is far from me, but what I have for her (I did not write "feel for her" because feelings are weak when it comes to describing this connection I have with 8) is beyond distance & time.

I have found her, I have found her soul and I connected with her on every possible level.
It is truly a blessing to have met her, although being with her nears impossibility
with every passing day.
The way this experience is shaping me is unique:
It made me love unconditionally again.

I would do anything for 8, although she asks for nothing.
I am in a place where nothing matters except living the present moment and be happy, as much as I can, although this proves to be a hard task when 8 is the reason I am happy, genuinely happy.

Another "Mexican*" melodramatic sitcom?
Maybe.
Another dead end on the road of love?
Maybe.
Another heart break?
Maybe.
Another emotional suicide by expectations?
Maybe.
Another bad timing?
Maybe.
Another failure?
No. You know why? Because knowing 8 has enriched me in so many ways and if the price I have to pay for my sins is not be with her, so be it, at least I've known her.

-------

Love never comes with a rulebook,.
& I love with all my being, all of me.
If I tell you what I'd do for you, you'll know how mad I am.
I know I cannot expect anything from you now.
I pray that you let the Light get through your cracked heart's shell, because you cannot fight Darkness with more Darkness.
Now you ask me: is it worth it? All of this?
Yes, you cannot imagine...

For if I live, it's for meeting people like 8...
And if I love, it's like I love 8.

Now...
Drink water

*"Mexican" sitcoms that are 200-episodes long have been part of the contemporary Lebanese popular culture and they can be from Mexico, South America, Turkey, Syria, etc... They are know for the melodramatic story that never ends and that keeps the main characters -who are usually lovers- in a state of continuous sentimental turmoil that rarely ends happily.

Amor Vincit Omnia

... a connection with a soul ignites a sleeping spark under the glowing dark ashes left by a totally battered and consumed phoenix.

The spark grows slowly and a new phoenix takes form.

Grows slowly...

The fires nourishing it are of different colours, different layers. They are as rich as fine aged wine, as magical as never-seen-before runes, as ethereal as the connection that ignited it all.

There are infinite memories that vanish to give way to new ones, there is stillness, there is longing, there are wonders yet to be discovered as the fires grow wilder.

The phoenix has never reached this glow, no.

It is getting even more ablaze, and though it's totally new, though it feels pain at times, though the cold rains shower it often, the blaze still grows and it's just emancipating.

Time stands still.

Inside of the phoenix, there's just them: Her and him.

They're afraid, they're happy... they're not grasping it...

A sudden gust of wind makes him turn and look the other way.
There's sorrow there, there's darkness, there's everything that is not Her.
He shudders, sheds a tear, then smiles for he knows...

Then, he looks around... he can't find her... She's lost somewhere, but he knows it won't be long before they are united again; they were one long before they ever met...

The blaze of the phoenix gets wilder outside and as it happens, she reappears inside running towards him. She looks like she is miles away, but still he feels her in every way.

What feels like eternity finally passes.

They are facing each other, the phoenix is the universe now.

He smiles, she smiles... and then he touches her in a way like she was never touched before.
And he touches her slowly and she feels whole.
And he touches her and he touches her soul...

-------
Like the phoenix, I will consume myself over and over again in the name of the same abstract concept, ruler of everything and everyone in this universe: love.

I have risen from my own ashes several times now, this time it feels like the blaze keeps on getting stronger and, unlike other times, it's not temporary and what's fuelling it seems infinite because Amor Vincit Omnia.

Damn it's hot in here...
Drink water.

Her

The worst feeling in the world is losing love you once had.

"I don't love you anymore" / "I have no feelings for you anymore" are two of the worst sentences one can hear, read or feel. I stressed on the "anymore" because it proves the vanishing of a love that once was.

Sadly, I have experienced the above twice in my life till now, it's no big deal –shit happens.

I sure hope I will never live through it again though.

What matters is what happened after I went through the above mentioned state: I found Her.

Yes.

I-found-Her.

Her is a beautiful person inside-out, she is a mix of natural goodness, sweet empathy, bits of the moon, adventurous spirit, sensitive soul and agile mind.

Her never stops amazing me especially in Silence.

Her continues my sentences, knows what I am thinking and laughs at my silly jokes –worse, she comes up with even sillier ones.

Her's smile makes me forget all the worries in the world.

Her understands all my sides although she barely knows me.

Her makes me feel good about myself even when I am feeling down.

Her is me and vice-versa.

Her is indescribable in words...

Now I wait... for good things are worth waiting for and September with its awesome clouds holds endless promises.

"All makes sense now... The band is ready, the lights are low, the people left and I stand alone in the middle of that wrecked hall waiting for you to join me for this final dance..."
–Me to Her on one summer night

خواطر مرئية: بعدك عنّي خنقني

بعدك عنّي خنقني
Your farness choked me

خواطر مرئية: عيونك وطني أنا

عيونك وطني أنا
Your eyes are my realm

خواطر مرئية: إنت وأنا نحنا

إنت وأنا نحنا
You & me us.

خواطر مرئية: وحدك ساكنة خيالي

وحدك ساكنة خيالي
Only you inhabit my fantasy

خواطر مرئية: شعرك خيوط الشمس

شعرك خيوط الشمس
Your hair is sunshine threads

This Is Hell

Following the recent mass murders occurring in Occupied Palestine by Israel, I allowed myself to create a visual piece by a photo originally taken by Hosam Salem.

This photo has touched my very soul and in it I see the beginning of the end of Humanity.
What is happening is a beginning of several scenarios for the end.

This Is Hell
Original Photo Credit: © Hosam Salem
Photo Edit + Concept: © Samah El Hakim

...
But hope still lives on, with love all things are possible.

The End

Just so you know:
The end of something can be the start of something new.

Think about it:
The End of a fruit rotting away on a garden's soil can -if watered- give a new plant that would eventually bear new fruits.

Now, think about an End that has a Beginning waiting around the corner, one that can't wait to be a Beginning, what do you call that?
That's a unique chance I say.

So, is it really The End?

-------

I believe that there are several "soul mates" out there for every one of us, they're a bit like Willy Wonka's golden tickets, everybody wants to find one but rare are the ones who find any and rarer are those who really earn them.

I found one, but it was stuck to the chocolate, so I left it in the Sun which will melt away the chocolate and let me earn my golden ticket.

Too much soul talk, now that's another kind of soul, one that is true when you're around.

Drink water.
It's summer.

Revelations

A beating heart engulfed by a complex structure floats in the ocean with a part of a plastic bottle suffocating it.
It needed to release some if its confined secrets and burdens in order to get rid of that alien body suffocating it.

"I can be an egocentric fool at the worst times and lose a lot for that."

...

"I'm tired of trying to be a warrior of Light in this darkness that is getting larger every day."
It felt good to release some of that pressure...

Then came the long sentence:
"Nothing seems fair in this ephemeral life and I believe that no matter how hard we try we will never be perfect or get near being or living perfect with all that shit that surrounds us and that grows more eccentric and varied each day leaving us in a state of inner and outer chaos and numbing our brains with sounds of fake promises and surreal dreams as our life passes and time consumes us with tender violence melting our stressed and suffering souls slowly."
That felt so good...

Then came the longer sentence:
"The irony of doing your best while wanting the best thinking you've finally got on track as you suddenly get rammed off track by the gentle loving smile that says no as it goes into another direction and as time passes a day a week a month and you're just laying there next to the track still trying to figure out what happened the thought that what goes around comes around passes and you feel the weight of your past experiences that rammed some persons' lives off their respective tracks sometime in the past crushing you to near suffocation before letting you go and leaving only the thought of that gentle face that is no more that might never be again and be left there asking what if while massive movement takes place in the corners of memories that will mutate with the years' passing by leaving only the essence of joy from stolen moments of the happy orchards that are sprinkled left and right on the long road of life and as you stand up again you feel older wiser more serene although a part of you got broken just like many parts in the past but you know that this is only another one of those essential parts of life that make your very existence unique."

The heart shrank a bit loosening up the alien body suffocating it.
As it wriggled to set itself free, the heart released a final sentence that would set it free to roam the ocean without suffocating:
"I know now that your presence breathed a new life in me and I feel hollow without it just like a nutshell without its nutte."

The plastic part slides away from the heart that has a whole ocean to roam in even with its missing parts.
There was surrender.
There was pain.
There was hope.
Then, silence.

My angel

With me she became mother, in her womb I grew for 9 months and I'm still growing ever since with her support, love, encouragement, blessing and understanding for 29 years now.

Since my early childhood I remember her smiling face and her comforting presence. Never did she lessen of her tenderness, love, care and protection throughout the years even with us being 3 brats and me being the eldest.

She learned to be a real "Boys-Mother" (إمّ الصبيان) the hard way with every passing day and this began when she married my father who helped her become more confident of herself, more focused and just a tiny bit tougher than the "city-girl" she once was.

Her sensitive soul is reflected in the smallest chores she does, not to mention her artistry with words making her a unique poet and her innate talent of making food literally "happen" out of pretty much nothing and in just minutes when she already had a long day at work!

I remember the times of war which were -strangely- happy times to me and my brother Mirab. They were so because of mum and dad's continuous daily survival to keep us out of any material/emotional insufficiency thus preserving a pure aspect to our troubled childhood.
I remember summer time when we used to go out to play in the neighboring "forest" starting 7 am and her voice calling us to come to lunch then her voice in another tone calling us to come home at 8pm "...OR ELSE!"
I remember her eagerness to buy us new clothes for traditional holidays and occasions, clothes that were, for the biggest part of my childhood, too bright and happy to me or my brothers' liking.

I think about her sacrifices as a young educated & willing woman who put her dreams on hold for a while to make sure her kids were growing into the men she wants them to be before she resumes where she stopped, goes to a graduate school for 5 years, learns how to use a mac computer and an advanced layout program, gets her doctorate heavy with literature and Art and gets it published then starts teaching at two universities. All this knowing that she takes good care of her household, her family and her friends with joy and affection.

I like it when my brothers and I tease her just to see how she will spontaneously react.

Her comforting words and care are always soothing even when I don't want to admit my weakness and need for her support.
I feel her presence through her continuous prayers for me whenever I leave home where I try and do my best to make her among others proud of me.

I wish you good health and joy, you're my angel on this earth mother and I love you.