20150514

Is it worth it?

Every piece I write -whether here or on any of my notebooks- becomes eternal, the writing is eternal but not what was felt or lived when writing it.
Why?
Because times change, people change, circumstances change, perceptions change... , I change.
However, the recent blog posts about "her" and "love" prove that the state I was in when writing them, well, can be eternal.

I am surprised.

I am surprised because what I wrote back then was so pure, it emanated from the deepest depths of my being and was mainly ignited by another being's presence -let's name her "8"- and although it's been a while now that 8 is far from me, but what I have for her (I did not write "feel for her" because feelings are weak when it comes to describing this connection I have with 8) is beyond distance & time.

I have found her, I have found her soul and I connected with her on every possible level.
It is truly a blessing to have met her, although being with her nears impossibility
with every passing day.
The way this experience is shaping me is unique:
It made me love unconditionally again.

I would do anything for 8, although she asks for nothing.
I am in a place where nothing matters except living the present moment and be happy, as much as I can, although this proves to be a hard task when 8 is the reason I am happy, genuinely happy.

Another "Mexican*" melodramatic sitcom?
Maybe.
Another dead end on the road of love?
Maybe.
Another heart break?
Maybe.
Another emotional suicide by expectations?
Maybe.
Another bad timing?
Maybe.
Another failure?
No. You know why? Because knowing 8 has enriched me in so many ways and if the price I have to pay for my sins is not be with her, so be it, at least I've known her.

-------

Love never comes with a rulebook,.
& I love with all my being, all of me.
If I tell you what I'd do for you, you'll know how mad I am.
I know I cannot expect anything from you now.
I pray that you let the Light get through your cracked heart's shell, because you cannot fight Darkness with more Darkness.
Now you ask me: is it worth it? All of this?
Yes, you cannot imagine...

For if I live, it's for meeting people like 8...
And if I love, it's like I love 8.

Now...
Drink water

*"Mexican" sitcoms that are 200-episodes long have been part of the contemporary Lebanese popular culture and they can be from Mexico, South America, Turkey, Syria, etc... They are know for the melodramatic story that never ends and that keeps the main characters -who are usually lovers- in a state of continuous sentimental turmoil that rarely ends happily.

20141219

Amor Vincit Omnia

... a connection with a soul ignites a sleeping spark under the glowing dark ashes left by a totally battered and consumed phoenix.

The spark grows slowly and a new phoenix takes form.

Grows slowly...

The fires nourishing it are of different colours, different layers. They are as rich as fine aged wine, as magical as never-seen-before runes, as ethereal as the connection that ignited it all.

There are infinite memories that vanish to give way to new ones, there is stillness, there is longing, there are wonders yet to be discovered as the fires grow wilder.

The phoenix has never reached this glow, no.

It is getting even more ablaze, and though it's totally new, though it feels pain at times, though the cold rains shower it often, the blaze still grows and it's just emancipating.

Time stands still.

Inside of the phoenix, there's just them: Her and him.

They're afraid, they're happy... they're not grasping it...

A sudden gust of wind makes him turn and look the other way.
There's sorrow there, there's darkness, there's everything that is not Her.
He shudders, sheds a tear, then smiles for he knows...

Then, he looks around... he can't find her... She's lost somewhere, but he knows it won't be long before they are united again; they were one long before they ever met...

The blaze of the phoenix gets wilder outside and as it happens, she reappears inside running towards him. She looks like she is miles away, but still he feels her in every way.

What feels like eternity finally passes.

They are facing each other, the phoenix is the universe now.

He smiles, she smiles... and then he touches her in a way like she was never touched before.
And he touches her slowly and she feels whole.
And he touches her and he touches her soul...

-------
Like the phoenix, I will consume myself over and over again in the name of the same abstract concept, ruler of everything and everyone in this universe: love.

I have risen from my own ashes several times now, this time it feels like the blaze keeps on getting stronger and, unlike other times, it's not temporary and what's fuelling it seems infinite because Amor Vincit Omnia.

Damn it's hot in here...
Drink water.